I keep telling myself "today will be better" or "today will be different" but it always seems to end up the same.  I'm tired of not caring.  I finally put words to my feelings last week and it doesn't make me feel any better.  

I just don't care.

As simple as that.  How sad is that?  I just don't care... and the worst part is it's true.  I don't care.  As hard as I try I just can't.  AH!  

Last week we had an awesome mad science day and I really enjoyed watching my kid's faces as we made volcano eruptions.  It was the greatest day of last week!  I thoroughly enjoyed the entire experience!  

And then I boogered up my knee again by smacking it into the wall by climbing over the stupid barrier in our classroom.  So frustrating.  It's still kind of sore and hurts to walk upstairs but I don't  think I did any serious damage.  Geezus.  That's all I needed.  

I can't bring myself to finish this post...I'm too tired.

Life's Lessons

It's been quite awhile since I have lasted updated my blog and once again...that's okay.  

I have had many changes occur in the past several months.  Some good, some not so good but all are a part of life.  

1.  I love my role as lead educator.  My co educators are absolutely amazing and supportive.  We had a bit of a rocky start but I feel very comfortable with them and I enjoy them as coworkers, fellow females and of course friends.  They make me laugh every day and we share a lot with one another.  It's a great feeling.

2.  I bought a new car.  I traded in Ariel, my orange 2008 Daytona Charger for Artemis, my blue beauty 2013 Daytona Charger.  I had a lot of mixed feelings about this purchase.  One being it was a gift from my dad for graduation and two that it is my first biggest purchase ever.  Wow...that's actually a lot to handle.  Welcome to the grown up world part deus.  My poor 2008 was having so many issues and I honestly got a fantastic deal for it.  Whew!

3.  I turned 26.  It sucked.  I couldn't enjoy my birthday because the stress of loosing health insurance, being denied health insurance twice and obviously freaking out about a lapse in insurance really put a damper on things.  (I'm still dealing with it but I'm hoping it will all be resolved tomorrow...funny how things work because I acutally now am covered by TWO insurances but only agreed to one!)  More stress, more phone calls...more wine? ;-)

4.  My littles sister graduated from High School in June!  I am so proud of her and happy for her!  I can't wait for her to embark on her new adventures at Cottey College in MO!  We will be a little over 4 hours from each other!  I'm really excited about that!  Also, in August I will be driving up there to see her and our mom as she moves in!  My little sister is all grown up!!

5.  Kiara is doing much better.  Still on quality of life care but she seems to be more kitten like each day.  I'm hoping with the reduction of her steroids to every other night will help with this heart murmur that appeared.  :fingers crossed:  

And of course my major malfunction is my fretting about my weight.  Well what else is new?  I'm praying for motivation and strength.  I must break down the scar tissue in my knee according to my brother and it's going to hurt like the Dickens.  Here goes!  AH!

Kiara

2008 Daytona Charger

2013 Daytona Charger

GO ME!

I would like to start with: YAY!!!

Last week I was called into my boss' office and there I was met by not only my Program Coordinator but my Director and Executive Director!  I was interviewed for a lead position in the Toddler Hallway! I was hoping that this opportunity would come and it did!  I was NOT expecting it to be this soon by any means.  I was officially announced as the new Lead in R last Thursday!  Needless to say I've been on Cloud 9 since then!  I start in my new position Monday Feb 4th!  That's NEXT MONDAY!  OH MY!

Now...I am very VERY sad to be leaving my kiddos in Room T.  I have been trying really hard to keep it together but I think my hard work will fail me tomorrow, my last day in T.  I am so elated by this opportunity but I am so overwhelmed by sadness.  I love these kids.  I have been their assistant educator "donut," "nut-nut," and "tut-tut" since day one of them transitioning from the infant hall into our hall.  I've watched two of them learn to walk, I've heard some of their first words, I've laughed with them, and yes at them as well.  I've held them while crying; I've patted or rocked them to sleep.  I've danced and played with them.  I love these kids.  I love coming to work every morning and greeted by "Tut-tut!" or "Erring!!"  Geeez...bittersweet.  :sigh:  I am just next door but it won't be the same.

That being said...I am very excited about starting in my new room.  I have so many great ideas and am thrilled to meet and care for my new group of kids!  The close of one adventure is the opening to a whole new one.  I am so excited that I have been pinteresting ideas for crafts and I have found some cute new books that I will pull out as a special surprise read here and there.

I am very proud of myself.  My dad and mom are very proud of me.  My boyfriend is proud of me.

Now...that the stress of my car accident is finished and I have achieved a goal of becoming a lead I am on the way to bettering myself.  I still have a long way to go but I think I'm doing ok.

OOH! I also bought some cute workout clothes (need to find some pants and shoes) but now that I can look cute for working out maybe I will enjoy it more!  I start that phase very soon!

I love my job!!

~Donut

I. AM. ME.

Today was quite fun.  Woke up and spent some quality time with Kiara and Camron then headed off to lunch at BJs with Amber and Ashlee.  Overall...hilarity was all around.

I really need to stop being so down on myself.

Camron had the day off so I made him go out without me :-)  It was a change of pace that I think we both needed.  :-)  I hope he had fun because I did.  After I came home from the mall and lunch I chilled on the couch and proceeded to get bored.  Amber and I then made arrangements to go to GoGo Sushi for dinner and then to Target.  I actually used a gift card on something for me!!  I bought some comfy lounge pants and shirt and several pairs of socks (STARS!)...also a new and cute purse.  I'm happy :-)

After Target we went back to her place and watched The Avengers!  I hadn't seen it yet and I LOVED IT!!! OMG!!!  I have to say...Yummmy to Captain America (I salute you) and Thor (...drool...).  The one liners were epic and the humor was very nicely done.  I was rolling a few times...or more.  Overall my night was relaxing yet fun!  I'm probably going to regret staying up so late though since Camron and I have to drive to Tulsa around 0800 tomorrow (today) yikes.

How was I feeling today?
Like I said earlier...I need to stop feeling down on myself.  I know I need to work on my physical appearance (and because I want it and for no other reason) so I don't need to cringe when my friends want to take some pictures! (which by the way was so much fun and we had a lot of laughs doing it).  I'm pretty.  I'm cute.  I'm me.

One of the pictures we took today :-)

Exhausted

It's FRIDAY!!!

This week has been one crazy ride.

Kiara went back into the vet on Thursday.  Camron took her in on his lunch break (so sweet of him).  She hadn't touched her dinner the night prior and with the diarrhea, I knew something was up.  So while I was on my 15 min break at work Banfield called me.  She had a bacterial infection that they were going to put her on antibiotics for as well as a probiotic.  She had a delayed reaction to the anesthesia from when she had her teeth cleaned last week.  I KNEW IT! :-(  She is doing MUCH MUCH better now, Thank God.

This evening I went to Allie's birthday dinner at Sushi Neko.  It was a good time!  I'm FULL!  Their portions are quite large and very VERY filling.

I am so exhausted right now but I just wanted to get some thoughts out before I called it a night.

I am beginning to become a little happier so that's a plus.
I am still sad about my motivation about working out and dieting therefore because of that I am upset with myself for not pushing myself into gear.  I'm fed up with my body.  I'm fed up with being lazy.
I have to admit though, a good portion of me not working out last week was the continuous headache I had for a week and a half.  (So bad that on Wed evening I threw up my dinner...wow).  No excuses I know but if you have THAT kind of a headache you don't want to push it.  My mom thinks I was having a cluster migraine and when I got sick that was the ending point.  Guess what...I haven't had a headache since Wed night!  Go figure.

I feel in my heart that things between Camron and I are getting better.  I know we have some things to work on and work out but nothing more than what most relationships go through (I'm assuming).  I just hope they continue to stay on the right track and that he doesn't slide back into the bad habits etc that we are working out.

My main goal: is to work on myself so that he [Camron] and I can work on our relationship.  We have a very strong relationship, don't get me wrong, but there are just somethings I'm done with dealing with.  I can put up with so much and I have that now I've had my fill and it's time to work on some things.

Anyways,

I am so ready for bed.  Good night!!!

Stress

Well let's start off with the good news.  Monday morning at 0820 my car accident settlement was finalized.  So that is a load off my back.  After three long tedious years it's finally over.  I lived in the moment of feeling less overwhelmed and enjoying a sense of freedom until that evening.  Kiara had diarrhea...

I stated in a previous blog that she is on prednisone.  Well that is for quality of life care...her symptoms when I took her in and then found out what was wrong was vomiting and diarrhea.  I am hoping she just got into something like yogurt and her tummy is upset.  I don't think that's the case any more.  I called the vet last night (Tues) and my docs won't be in till Thursday and they just want me to watch her and call if she stops eating.

It's Wed morning and I had a rude awakening.  I woke up to her passing gas (it's the strangest noise I've ever heard) and it was continuous.  Then she just lost control on my bedroom floor :'-(  Needless to say the tears started flowing, I'm worried and scared.  The vet couldn't tell me if I had a couple of months or a couple of years with her left.  It's NOT TIME YET!  SO please keep her in your prayers...I am NOT ready to let go of my baby.  Please just let it be something antibiotics or something can clear up.  I would also like to state that she had her teeth cleaned last Tuesday...SHE WAS FINE UNTIL THEN.  I SWEAR IF THIS REACTION IS BECAUSE OF THE ANESTHESIA I AM GOING TO BE LIVID AND ANGRY WITH THE VETS....and myself :'-(  Please God...

Camron has been holding me and comforting me...the tears just flow without prompt.  I am hoping that I'm just overreacting but with her current health...I don't think I am.  Ugh.  The sense of being helpless. I don't know if she is in pain...she is eating, drinking, no vomit, purring and playing with me.  Fingers crossed.

Dreams

"ALL OUR DREAMS CAN COME TRUE, IF WE HAVE THE COURAGE TO PURSUE THEM." -Walt Disney

I feel that since I've already posted once tonight about one thing on my mind I could probably write another.  I'm on a role! jk

I really do have so much to say but just not sure where to start.  So many things in my life right now.  I wouldn't say I'm depressed but I do feel sad and alone.  There are times that I just feel that nothing is going right and that the "plan" or "idea" I had about my life was just a dream and not my reality.

I moved away from Norman and closer to my current job in OKC which isn't a great location but it works for now.  I miss my friends in Norman though.  I'm in the Big Kid World now so I'm very consciences about money and where it goes.  Gas is one of them...so I just don't always have the money to go down to Norman and back.  Oh well :-(  I've made it work thus far somehow.  My best friend is back in Arkansas which I'm so proud of her for...she is following her dreams and comes back to Oklahoma for her weekend master's classes.  Go Carolyn!  I'm can't lie and say I'm not a little bit envious about her ability to reach her goals.  I am having a really hard time figuring out what mine are as of late.

I used to have so many dreams, aspirations and desires.  I just don't know what I want anymore.  It's hard when reality is hitting you straight in the face.  I don't have time to mess around with possibilities right now.  I could take the easy route I guess and move "home" to Utah and live with my parents.  That would be just as stifling.

What I thought I wanted...or maybe I still do:
Historian
Archaeologist
JPAC (Joint POW/MIA Accounting Command)
Intelligence Officer/Civilian
(I just want to travel)
Author

My baby brother just graduated from college in December with his BS in Kinesiology with his aspirations of becoming a Physical Therapist as well as a Personal Trainer.  He will have difficult times getting into grad school but I have no doubt he will get what he wants.  I'm so proud of him.  Me?  I graduated with a BA in History.  What the hell am I going to do with that?  I need/must go to grad school if I ever want to achieve any of the above goals.  My hindrance is my GPA.  WHY must EVERYTHING be based on a STUPID GPA?!  I'm smart.  I graduated didn't I?  I had a little toooo much fun the first two years of college and because of that I have to hold back on my dream job because of a trivial number?  Bullshit.
I could get a government job again...starting out really small like running errands or being an aid.  That does NOT thrill me in the least and I would like to add...I do have bills to pay therefore I need a job that pays quite well to begin with, no minimal wage for me please.

What am I going to do?  :sigh: Now there's the question.

"A DREAM DOESN'T BECOME A REALITY THROUGH MAGIC; IT TAKES SWEAT, DETERMINATION AND HARD WORK." -Colin Powell

I currently have a great job right now.  I would love to work my way up and become a Lead Educator soon and I will be happy with that.  I'm a traveler.  I'm a girl who was born into a military life, moving all the time.  It's in my blood.  I was "born under a wondering star" and it's very hard to keep me in one place.  I've lived in Oklahoma for 11 years now and that's crazy for me.

I haven't even begun to touch the surface of my personal life, thoughts etc.  I think I will save that for another time.